LOVE

Agape: Around this time, I started attending church in town and found a new family through that congregation and, most importantly, a renewed relationship with God. 9/11 had scared me into wanting to know about Him, but it was when I began to heal from my past that I realized how much God truly loved me. In gratitude, I told God that I was extremely grateful and wanted to use everything I had been through to help others. I literally hit my knees in thankfulness and asked God to help me love others the way He does. The Agape kind of love; all encompassing, real, unconditional.

My marriage continued to fall apart and by the time my husband and I got divorced due to his infidelity and denial of such, we had a 4-year-old son, had lost a baby during miscarriage and also had a 1-year-old son and I was 21 years old. I became a young single mom. Through many ups and downs, I had several jobs that taught me a lot about myself and also started my own business for a couple years. Self-love still wasn’t in my thoughts, yet.

After a few years, I remarried to a man that seemed to be everything I was looking for. Friends, family, and my church celebrated in this new life for my sons and I. Everything was perfect, or so it seemed. Within days of the wedding, little things started happening that showed a different side of my husband, but it wasn’t evident until years later. I still struggled with self-esteem after having a failed marriage, so it added to the lingering doubts of my worth when it came to relationships. More about that later.

Storge : Storge is the familial love. The love we feel for those in our family. Our spouse, our children, and extended family. For many years, I failed to realize how important my role as a mother, as a parent, was. I failed to see the unique mission I had to raise the next generation for our world. Oh, I “knew” but I really didn’t grasp the depth of that honor. Like many parents I got lost in the daily chores of endless laundry, housework, diapers, and so one. I loved my kids with everything I had, but I didn’t value my role in their lives.

This portion of learning about love came with a heavy cost, but I want you to realize that it all had a part of the bigger picture of who we are today.

Some time had passed and after I experienced another miscarriage that we were healing from, three by now, we were dealt another blow. On June 10 th , two days after my 26 th birthday, my boys disclosed sexual abuse at the hands of their uncle. It was like I had been hit in the gut with a 2×4 board. Ever the determined one, I listened, I believed them, and I acted. I was lucky because most kids don’t tell ever. Mine did. What began as a “Mom, uncle shared his germs with me…” turned into full disclosure of molestation and rape of my eight-year-old and five-year-old. That is the moment I realized that being a parent or protector of children you love is the most important mission.

What followed was a flurry (slow moving yet chaotic all at once) of forensic interviews, doctor appointments, searching for counselors, testifying, starting the healing process, and accepting a plea bargain. As I helped my own children heal, I began getting phone calls from other parents around the state that had children who had experienced this but never received justice. I told my children they weren’t alone; that other children experienced this. My five-year-old looked at me and said, “You have to do something, Mom. You have to make it stop”. So, I decided to see what I could do.

This led me to an insane amount of research and a mission to not only help my children heal but change the state. I began calling and writing everyone I could who would listen and praying for guidance every step of the way. When I discovered how prevalent Child Sexual Assault was, I knew I had to do something about it and I wouldn’t stop, ever. I was connected to an amazing, passionate group of individuals and we drafted Jolene’s Law for South Dakota. This law created a task force to study what South Dakota was doing right, and doing wrong, in the battle against child sexual assault. This began a whirlwind of some of the most incredible changes to ever hit a state in the name of prevention and response of child maltreatment. After the task force studied this, we began the Center for the Prevention of Child Maltreatment which changed many things within the state. If you’d like to read more about all the work we have accomplished, please visit CPCM.

During this time, things in my personal life began unraveling. As I grew in confidence and self-esteem, I began to realize the way my children and I were being treated by my husband was very controlling and unhealthy. The more I learned about healing for my children, the more I saw that their healing was being negatively impacted by the way they were treated by their stepfather. I tried communication, prayer, redirection; nothing seemed to matter and the way my older children and I were treated got worse. Even when we lost yet another son, my husband behavior was riddled with mind games and control. I made the difficult decision to end my marriage and provide for my children on my own. I knew we would be healthier and happier, and I was right.

I found myself as a single mom with four amazing boys, working three jobs and pursuing my Associates in Criminal Justice. As hard as life has been, we have happiness and peace and kindness and confidence. The things that we went through in addition to healing from the abuse became a distant memory, but more than anything, the love I had for these children was incredible.

Philautia: I finally began to see myself for who I was and believe that I could accomplish anything. I knew to give my family the life I wanted to, I had to look beyond just the part time jobs I held in Gettysburg. I couldn’t move and pursue a job that fit my degree, so I began to look at what else I was passionate about that could serve as another avenue of income. Coffee had fueled me for years, so I began researching how to turn that into a business.

I also finally was able to pursue my dream of going to Peru. 

Years ago, I had read a book called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. This man was approached by movie executives to have his life story made into a movie, only that wanted to add things to make it more interesting. He realized that his life had been boring, and he had been merely existing. So, he set out to really live, and one of his items to mark off was visit Machu Picchu and hike the Inca Trail. At that time, I hadn’t heard of it so researched what this amazing place that pushed you past your limits was. I was instantly enamored by the country, the tradition, the people.

For ten years I saved, and finally got enough scraped together to go. It was even more beautiful and life changing than I had imagined. The  countryside, the Inca Trail through the Andes mountains, the ruins, the people, the music, the food; all of it spoke to me in ways I had never experienced.

Accomplishing something to that magnitude really does help you fall in love with yourself, in a healthy way. I traveled there alone, met amazing people from around the world and developed a deeper appreciation for the world, the people who inhabit it and the way they can co-exist. The Peruvians look at life so much more simply and with more gratefulness that any other group of people I have met. I played futbol in the town square of Ollantaytambo with two little boys and we used a simple pop bottle. The Peruvians have such care and sincerity and a genuineness about them that I haven’t seen collectively anywhere else.

When I got home, I set to finishing the inside of a beautiful shed I had purchased. I insulated it to protect against the bitter cold South Dakota winters, put OSB up, laminate flooring down, and accented it with a corrugated tin ceiling and chandelier I found on clearance at Menards. I painted the walls white and the trim Shimmering Sea. Eventually the little 10×20 space became my oasis.

I live in a house with four boys, not much in my house is my own. It’s functional and durable, because boys My roasting shed became my own. The Phoenix rising from the ashes, kind of became my unofficial mascot of what my life had been. I found a roaster from a company in Arizona called Buckeye roasters. The roaster happened to be Phoenix Oro and fire engine red to match my pickup, with rose gold accents.

I found a coffee bean distributor company called Burman Coffee Traders that was like minded in the mission to help the world. They work with small farms around the world to bring top quality coffee. These farms are usually family owned for generations, treat their employees well, support the community and adhere to Earth-friendly practices. I knew I had found my company. 

The offerings are micro-lots so I knew I would be having new product every few weeks. Turns out, my customers love it. I keep the website updated with the unique stories behind every kind of bean I showcase, and always have a light, medium and dark roast. Finally, I had fallen in love with myself.

Philia: Shortly after I started my coffee roasting business, I received a job offer as reentry coach at the South Dakota Women’s Prison. This has turned out to be the most rewarding job I have ever had. I get to literally use my story, all my experiences, all the pain I have healed from, to help women change lives. To date off writing this I have so many women who are out on parole or have successfully completed parole and living healthy, productive lives. Just in the last few days I have one client who celebrated one year out of prison, is manager, and has managed to stay sober throughout a lot of obstacles. Another and her boyfriend celebrated two years together, are both successfully off parole, have a beautiful little boy, a little girl on the way, and are back in her older daughter’s life. And yet another just had her custody case closed and full custody of her children restored to her. Whether I am brightening the day of an inmate or coworker or walking one of them through a difficult situation, it is like I get to see all my pain full circle. I love these people, these friends, that I get to have an impact on every day. Our stories can change lives!

I’m not stopping there. I continue to train in ACEs and Enough Abuse and Moving On; I continue to share our story across many platforms whether articles, speaking, podcasts, or on social media; and am working to bring many community programs to largely untouched areas. I have other ideas and plans, but those will be for a later time.

To wrap things up, I want to tell you guys how we are today.

My older two have come a long way in their healing. They learned through many things how to handle anger, sadness, guilt, and how to begin to thrive. My oldest is now 21, graduated the Advanced Diesel Technician program at WyoTech, and is running his own bay at a John Deere dealership in Casper, Wyoming. He has a terrific girlfriend, and they are excited about their future.

My 18-year-old graduated high school a year and a half early and has been working at a local lumberyard until he figures out what he wants to do for the future, whether college or trades. He recently worked at a Bible ranch for 6 weeks and great in his own relationship with God and helped youth do the same.

Through their experience we learned one major thing. How we choose to react determines how much we’re allowing our past to hold us. Since the  abuse occurred on my birthday, that date held me captive with anxiety for years. Finally, one day, I decided that we would instead celebrate the day they told, the day that abuse ended, and healing began.

They are very close to their two younger brothers. Together they all support my mission to protect children and provide the world with outstanding coffee that makes a difference. My 12-year-old has experienced many health issues but remains this incredible, sweet, and funny young man that has so many plans on what he wants to accomplish. He doesn’t let anything hold him back and is always there to make you laugh.

My 7-year-old loves learning and anything to do with art and animals. He spends every day happy and is such a bright spot in all of our lives. His sweet, gentle, spirit has earned him the nick name Ferdinand and his intelligence always shocks us.

I hope to inspire anyone reading this, to take a look at what they are passionate about. Is it something that would make a difference in their world? Is it something that brings them incredible joy? Is it an idea that they have had and just need a push to get started?

I want to tell you to go for it. I want to bring people together and help them understand the world is amazing, and not quite as big as we think. Don’t ever doubt who you are, and the impact you can have. Take small steps but keep moving forward.

Love the world. Love others. Love you.