The Anonymous Soul

The Italian festival comes around and usually mama and I go together to get some zeppole’s, but this year she told me to carry on and go with my friends. Now a days that’s all I wanted, so I rushed out to meet up with Anthony my boyfriend. As I search through the crowd of people dancing,  laughing, and buying food I look and see Anthony talking to a girl. I have to say I stepped with some insecurity wondering who she may be, but instead approached and said hello. There I stood as Anthony ignores me and I am now again that little girl who was overlooked. That day my friends saved me, and I run off to get a few things for mama and I. As I try to ignore the fact Anthony is still talking to this girl, I find myself uncomfortable and wanting
to leave. My friends and I begin to leave the festival, but as I look back, I can see Anthony yelling and running up to all of us. He asks, “where are you going”, “home” as I replied. “No stop I will take you home.”

“No that is okay I will just walk”

“Why do you have to be such a childish bitch”

“Okay thank you, I’m going home”

As I begin to walk away Anthony has grabbed me where I am unable to get away and all I could say was “listening motherfucker stop grabbing me and let me go home.” Anthony grabs mama zeppole’s and throws them into my stomach. In disbelief they fall to the ground, and I look up to him in confusion and anger. Is this how our relationship going to be? While I pick mamas zeppole’s off of the ground a block away from home, I can feel a flood of tears run down my face as he screams in apology for losing his temper. This rage was all too familiar from the times I would see Veronica my sister fight with Joseph her fiancé. I refused to live that way and wanted to just make it back home to mama. Anthony could see my fear and knew I wanted this to be over. As I begin to walk towards home, he threatens to burn my home down with mama. I ran crying screaming please make sure I am in it too. As the days passed all I could think about is the fight I had with Anthony. I knew at some point I would run into him again because we shared the same friends and there was still so much anger built up inside of me. I stayed home and even logged into mama’s computer under his accounts. I discovered Anthony was talking to other girls, which at this point made me feel rage. I thought about being spiteful and taking his karma into my own hands. I never took the time to acknowledge that I really liked him, just that he was another who had devalued me. I could not allow this time to go unnoticed. So, clueless me with ball of emotions, anger, loneliness, and sadness what was the best revenge to go ahead and sleep with his best friend. Oh yeah smart idea for a 15-year-old virgin. That’s right, payback, right? Who was I kidding? I mean he hit me, right? He’s talking to girls he knows I don’t like and talking to multiple girls so why not!

I had felt so much over my life, some things had no effect on me. I felt nothing. This begin to be tested of course. One after I take one my friends up on an offer to watch her son. Lord knew I need something different from the smell of those hospital hallways just to breathe what real air smelt like. To feel the air against my skin versus the cold air being hospital doors. For mama I did not complain, but I took the offer. While sitting on the steps with her son eating an icy, I am hit with a wind of Anthony. “I like how you are sucking on that icy”

“You’re just mad that I had sex with and your best friend, and you never had a chance.”  What was I thinking. Yes, I had not spoken to Anthony in quite a while, but I did not keep in mind that Anthony hates to be embarrassed. I could tell by the look on Anthony’s face that he was not going to leave things as they were. As I stand up to walk my friend’s son up the stairs back into the apartment and instruct him to close his room door behind him, right behind me was Anthony. With a hand full of my hair Anthony begins to through my head to the floor, over and over again. No one helped not even his friend that stood right there. Who was I kidding to believe anyone would help, people feared Anthony because his temper was far out of his
discipline? It took little for him to grow upset and that day I wore it on my face. Anthony stood over me in laughter as he pressed my knees on the ground to pick myself back up. I could not allow this man to feel he had this much power over me to inflict pain, so I laughed along with him “that’s all you got you pussy”. With his knees pressed against my spin pulling at my arms, I begin screaming for him to leave. “I AM NOT FINISHED WITH YOU”. “No Anthony I am done with you stop” as I scream while being in so much pain. Again, with a fist full of my hair, Anthony pulls me to bring me to my feet. While on my feet I pull at my shoulder realizing that it is out of place. Anthony lifts me up to an open window and with now fear he says, “and how does this feel” In the background I can hear Anthony’s friend Ryan scream “come on man that is enough” “Drop me bitch my life is already hell I have nothing left” Anthony’s grip gets lose and I can feel the gravity of my body pulling. He lets go and just when my heart had lost any concept of life Ryan grabs me with a tight grip shaking at trying to withstand his footing and what Anthony has done.

While pulling me through the window my blood on the floor and his shirt, Ryan and I are out of breath as Anthony runs out the door. I realized that my friend’s son is in the other room and cannot see me like this. I urge Ryan to stay with him because this is nothing for a child to see.

Rushing home bruised and bloody, Anthony is running down the street to catch up to me with “Ism Sorry.” It was not to long after he takes off in the other direction as I walk faster and get closure to home. From block to block I attempted to hide behind my clothing and try to rush past some of my friends. Just two blocks from home Jesse runs up to seeing how my flesh has been torn apart and demanding I tell him who has done this to me. I did not answer I rushed past him in tears as he yells “it was that fucking ex-boyfriend I know it and I am going to take care of it!!!!” Did he take care of it or did he not?

“The Past is never where you think You left it”     
“Scars have a strange power to remind us that our past is real”

I decided to share parts of my story as no form of abusive is okay, not mental, physical, sexual, or emotional. A lot of time we confuse it with love and some sort of affection but trust me it is not. When we grow up seeing this type of behavior, we think that’s what life is especially when we are shelter and do not know any better. I am here to tell you that life does get better, and we may not be able to change the past but we sure can change our future. My past has taught me so much that I never wish this on anyone, but that’s what I had to go through in order to be here and tell you that life does get better if you are open to it. I am a psychotherapist who works with individuals who struggles with substance abuse and mental health. I decided years ago to not only stand up for myself but to advocate for others, so I did it. I have been in the mental health field for 10 years and still have a lot I want to accomplish. It took me 10 years to write this book because I was worried of what others might think and fear of being judge and
vulnerable, but I also knew I wanted to help others and make a difference. So, I hope this helps anyone going through a difficult time in their life, know that change is possible, and we do not have to be or stay stuck forever! Let’s heal and get better together!

The Anonymous Soul: WHO AM I?: Agosto-Jernigan, Mrs. Priscilla L