We all tell ourselves that we don’t like something in us. We hate ourselves for not doing things that have to be done or should be in a certain way. We don’t deserve things. Or we hear others telling us that “we can’t do or we are not enough” Either way, we are in that loop and will have limiting beliefs. Sometimes or most of the time, depending on these words’ intensity, we don’t even attempt to do what we want to do. I have to admit that one such belief I carried is “I’m not worthy of anybody’s love, and I don’t deserve to be a wife” – Yes, you read it right! I told that myself for ages because I was sexually abused as a child! Though I know that it is not my fault (I know that now!), the struggle with that thought is real, and I screwed my entire life with it!
I want to share this, no actual long due to admit – I love this boy from my school. I still do! 🙂 I never attempted to let him know about my feelings then. But, those feelings made me stronger and gave me this fighting spirit as “no matter what.” Yes, the thoughts of him! I get excited for the smallest things around him, like having him in the same class, hearing his voice talking to his friends. I still remember his voice, the closest to my heart! In fact after all these years I did tell him that his voice did not change. Without knowing the context he laughed at it. I started relating every tiny bit of my life, thinking that I was with him or what he might like or want me to be. But, I never even spoke to him to learn his real interests nor expressed mine. I have always been searching for him. Later in life, though I could talk to him with the rest of our friends, having this strong belief in mind as “I don’t deserve love,” I left in silence!
While I miss him so much and the pain is real, this reason of being in love with him is what made me! That’s why this experience of failed love is what I call “My HAPPY place!” because it gave me all the strength that I needed Or I could say all I needed was a more substantial reason to conquer my fears and these beliefs that I carry!
PS: To you (you know who you are): I read this quote somewhere as – “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage!”. This quote is so true to tell you that you gave me the courage to stand up for myself. You made me stronger than I thought. Your thoughts always gave that “happy” feeling and all I can tell you today is “Thank you” for being “that” to me!